Shambles Football Team

Player profiles for the Guangzhou tournament Written 12th December 2003. Our ragtag bunch of sporting nomads includes the following rabble: Carl (Carlos the Jackal). Hefty New Zealander with surprisingly nifty feet out in midfield. However, he is also a fantastic goalie, so he got the job. An influential presence who could decide the fate of the game with some brave saves and excellent distribution. An essential member of the drinking team. As Shambles' skipper, he could always take himself out of goal to be replaced by... Aynsley (Bobby, Roger) Moore. Phenomenally long legs make this authoratitive defender very entertaining to watch. His favourite on-pitch pose involves holding out his hands as if asking (very nicely), "come on then, what are you going to do?" His angelic expression when he has fouled someone is also a treat. Hefty boot, too. Andy "Fuckin' 'ell ref!" Lever. extraordinarily active Manc defender-midfielder. Superb in his role as sweeper as well as being great value for money when he considers himself wronged. A bit of a hippy off the field, his reaction to poor refereeing or disagreement on the pitch is surprisingly Thatcherite. When unleashed, this man could also punch holes in the opposition drinking team¡¯s defence. Kirsten (Squire, Kristy, Kristin, Christy or whatever). Defender with a vicious edge. Likes the physical challenges, which are doubly enjoyable to watch because of the surprise on the victims' faces. Could make a move up into midfield, where she is expected to make many a telling interception to break up opposition attacks. David (Big Dave, or "Dave's Ball!"). An Aussie who revels in the leadership role he takes on in defence. Otherwise known as The Rock, as is his pub. His athletic presence could be enormous. Expected to take on the anchor legs in the drinking competitions. Not expected to lose those. Peter ("Psycho"). Organiser of the team and enthusiastic challenger in defence. His fitness puts him in another league to the rest of us. Keen cyclist, which is not a skill of great help on the pitch, but without Peter, the spirit would be gone from the team. True stalwart and an essential defensive pillar. We are looking for a number of hobbling opposition strikers in the first few minutes. Nat. With his white football boots and stunning beautiful long thin legs (he ought to be a transvestite, although the beard might give him away) this is a man always likely to attract attention. A natural defender, who, naturally for our team, fancies himself as a left winger. Time for the boy to open up and show us his true class. Top bar presence. Mark. Lollops around in midfield shouting at people. If his ankle doesn't give in, his tonsils ought to, since he cannot shut his gob. Can put through the occasional good ball and be a tenacious chaser of the ball, much like a dog. Another key member of the Shambles drinking team, having spent years on loan to the Czech national side. Kevin. Skilful midfielder. Tenacious tracker-back and tackler, and can (and does!) pass and shoot expertly. So tenacious he should live in TenaCity. His contribution will be vital. A class act. Giggsy. Tends to 'blow hot and cold' but when he is hot, he is on fire, as Mr Sid Waddell might say. A stunning left foot shot makes him lethal anywhere near the opposition's area, and he is very fit. If he remains focused he could make a massive difference in the defensive midfield area, if that exists in the Shambles team. Fernando. Likes to see himself as a bit of a Beckham in terms of passing, but without the unnecessary running part. When riled, is immensely entertaining, as the Latin fire lights within him. Essential, fiery presence in the drinking team. Top entertainer and great fighting and dancing spirit. Thierry. (The Gallic Aggressor). Should have his own Asterix character. A rugby man at heart, he has been known to uproot an opponent (the ball was within 30 metres, ref) and when he runs at the defence (with the ball) it scares them. When monumentally hungover, generally good for five minutes and then fizzles out. With an awesome sense of balance, his powerful running and sharp acceleration make him a danger to any team likely to be in Guangzhou, particularly when it is his round. Awesome pub presence could inspire the Shambles to drinking victory, although he will not remember. Foxy. (Fox, The Foxster). Founder member of the team with excellent ball control and dribbling. His reluctance to pass can frustrate others in the team at times. Can score wonderful goals from free kicks and is as tenacious as tenacious Kevin, which is very tenacious indeed.