West Allis NATIONALS Baseball

Cub fans will remember the name of Steve Bartman. In years to come, his identity will be lumped with other historic goats: Merkel, Durham, etc. But will history remember him correctly? A detailed analysis of the events prior, during, and after game 6 of the National League Championship Series reveals an unexpected finding. Bartman is not Bartman at all. In an effort to protect the real identity of the culprit, the Chicago Cubs and local authorities created "Steve Bartman." Nationals fans know better. Chicago sports fan, wearing a walkman, lives with Mom, social leper...friends "Bartman" is none other than J.J. Neibauer, Esquire. Review the circumstances carefully. How could an employed person be at the ballpark at that time of night? Why would normally mild-mannered Moises Alou respond in such extreme fashion? Why would a Sox fan attend a Cubs game? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind. The "curse" known well to Chicago sports fans has been safely harbored with the Nationals since Leon Durham's infamous boot in 1989. Check the timeline: 1989: Cubs lose-Durham's boot 1991: JJ Joins Nationals-threepeat ends; team breaks up 1993: Nationals lose to #4 seed in championship 1996: Nationals fail to make playoffs 1997: Nationals fall in championship 1998: Nationals fall to Cubs 1999: Nationals fall to McGuires 2000: JJ, on leave of absense; Nationals win Championship. Unmistakable proof. The "curse" returned to Chicago for game 6 of the NLCS. Has the burden been lifted from the Nationals? An exorcism is in order. The soul of the franchise is at stake. Don't underestimate the power of the supernatural. We're dealing with serious stuff here. Stay posted for details on the Winter Exorcism/Team Meeting/Awards Ceremony/Planning Session/Beer Drinking...event.

Undercover operations are an important area of police work. This reporter has learned that from reliable sources that one of our teammates has become just such an undercover operative. So as to not blow this teammates cover, sources referred to him simply as #41. Though not specific on the nature of the investigation and surveillance, one source did make it clear that #42 was the only candidate considered for this duty. "He's a natural...I mean, how many other cops readily admit to enjoying gay sex and other perverted acts. Animals, youth, whatever...he has always seemed consumed." In a related story, James Herkowski proudly announced this past week that he purchased the Cadillac of computer systems. James looks forward to investigating the "dark" side of the internet. You can be sure skin, kiddy porn, and other smut will keep his mouse busy.

Much to no one's surprise, Brian Gibson has chosen Lee Hardee to stand beside him on October 4 as he marries Amy. Brian and Lee are longtime associates in blue, and Brian has always considered Lee his umpiring mentor. Said Gibson, "The way he gracefully executes his safe call on a bang bang play is...suave. Few have such dramatic license with balls and strikes. And attire...forget it...I can only dream of pulling off the open collar,dangling chain thing. My mom would never have it." Congrats to #17. Insiders indicate fellow umpires Tony Klappa and Brian Henson will join Lee in the groom's party. Last in line, standing up in front of God and all, will be Brian's longtime nemesis, J.J.

In one of the most stunning developments in Doyne Open history, relative newcomer, Laura Zimmer, earned her first title. Laura, teamed with three others-including Joe "Sarge" Hluchnik, rallied over the final 10 holes of play to set a tournament record with a score of 48, 6 under par. Laura made several birdie putts on the back nine as her team posted the 9 hole of 22. Phil Ammerman was this year's inductee into the Doyne Hall of Fame. Ammerman, with three green jackets to his credit, was honored by emcee Lance Longhenry who presented him with an elegant lazer eched plaque of his visage. Ammerman joins Dale Longhenry and Gary Meyer as the only members of this elite club. Nationals players also honored their teammates, casting votes for MVP, Rookie of the Year, Veteran of the Year, Harvey Kuenn Batting Champ, Dave Kuhnke Pitching Champ, and Jeff Neibauer Spirit Award. Results will be announced and awards distributed at the next team meeting during the Christmas break. If you have not cast your vote, please call Steve or vote online. Congrats to all on another fine Doyne Open Championship!

Congrats to 2003 Champion, Laura Zimmer, who contributed birdie putts to her team's record score of six under par 48. Hall of Fame Inductee: Phil Ammerman Ambassador Award: Cissy Ammerman Closest to the Pin (Female) Elizabeth Elliott Closest to the Pin (Male) Mitchell Longest Putt (Female) Cissy Ammerman Longest Putt (Male) ??? Closest to the Fringe: Dick Mallmann