Shanghai Sauerkrauts

Servus Kameraden, 

It seemed like we went from one extreme to the other.  

First, we realized that we only had 12 players on the pitch compared to 25 players two weeks ago. A little bit disappointing for our “grosser Haeuptling Helmut”.  

Second, some of us just couldn’t understand why on Wednesday we still had 20°C and the night before Saturday we only had -5°C. 

Third, some of us just couldn’t believe, where were all these Dutch people or Kaeskoepfe coming from and what they were doing in Shanghai? (ed: natuerlich Kaese verkaufen…) We were still thinking that the Hollaender were only jamming our German “Autobahnen” (highways) with their “Wohnwagen” (mobile homes). I have never seen any mobile home in Shanghai, so where are they living?  

But back to the pitch: the 12 players and one injured player Christoph, who was suffering from stemming too many “Masskruege”, were in a really good mood, as it was a cloudless sunny sky. This resulted in a couple of jokes during changing clothes: “Meiner ist ihr zu gross”; “Nachts ist es kaelter als draussen”; “Er ist kurz aber dafuer duenn”; “No, no I didn’t drink any beer last night”! 

During warm-up Bilgin was complaining that he feel as cold as in Anatolia, just that there were no mountains here. He directly was corrected by Eric and another anonymous guy, who fears that the Turkish secret service will search for him and let him eat a Doener, that we were playing in the magical triangle of the mountains Tianmashan, XiaoKunshan and Sheshan in which a lot of beers, balls and matches got lost! In our short tactical meeting our chief “Haeuptling Helmut” announced a new tactic which was called “Druff unn deweddah”; translation for people living north of Frankfurt: “darauf und dagegen”; in English: “seek and destroy”.

At first we started the match without any linesman. It seemed like they disappeared in the magical triangle! The first 20 min were not so bad and it was already clear that it would be a hard and aggressive match which resulted in a couple of yellow cards later on. Especially one cheesehead who seemed that he likes eating tables always provocated our players. 

The next 10 min were completely disastrous and the whole team was standing beside itself or I would call it “neben der Kappe sein”. We got 3 terrible goals in only 10 min.First one: A direct corner was flying through three of us and the goal keeper inside the net. Than Johann made a terrible pass back to the goal keeper which was caught by one of the Cheeseheads who had no big trouble to make it 2:0. This was definitely one box of beer, Johann!!! Before the third goal the ball was actually out, but the blind referee didn’t see and so the ball slipped through the fingers of Hakan. After that we reorganized according to Allan’s instruction and quickly Marc made the 1:3 after a fine combination. Unfortunately we got another unnecessary goal just before the break. 

After the break we took over the match and forced the cheeseheads to use unfair methods to stop us. After a rough foul in the box we got a penalty, which Timo souveraen verwandelte! Unfortunately we couldn’t manage to make another goal andd so as always we got the 5^th. Totally frustrated I finally got my yellow card which I already should have got 3 fouls before. That’s also some beer. Although it was hopeless we still didn’t gave up and fought, but finally we got a “Konter”, supported by the blind linesman who didn’t see 3m offside, which lead to No.6. With the victory in their hands the dutch still played unfair and especially one guy with a table in the back made a couple of provocations.  

Finally we can say that we didn’t play so bad except the 10 min in the first half. (ed: …and without linemen we would have won) So we are looking forward to win our 2^nd match next Saturday. For those who disappeared in the magical 3^rd floor of Tongren Lu on Friday and couldn’t make it to the match on Saturday don’t forget it is never to cold, you can only wear the wrong clothes and you shouldn’t leave your “Kameraden” alone in the mountains! 

In diesem Sinne: Hurra, das ganze Dorf ist da!!!

The only original Hoffemer in Shanghai, Marco. (Yes, I am one of the 3272)  

Ed: Match report against the Turks starts with a “Gegendarstellung” from Jan aka Brusthaar:

“just a short statement: Everybody who shakes his head in disbelieve about such a narrow victory should know that we were playing with 9 skrauts against 13 crazy turks first half because Hakan and Bilgin played like brainwashed. Our luck that the 2nd half goalkeeper of the turks (a BLOND guy size XXL) then turned out to be a german spykeeper. The first try to lead us to the win (a picked up returnpass to the goal) was surly confounded by turkish spy Bilgin who shot the resulting freekick from 7m goal distance 20m over the target. They neutralized their efforts. But nobody could stop Leo to shoot from hopeless position so that even Bilgin could not expect what finally came out to be our 3:2 victory goal... 

Ed: …and here goes the Turk himself… 

Merhaba Patates,

Yeah, better I do not translate this, but “patates” is Germany’s most eaten vegetable and well-known by Turkish. The long awaited game finally happened, we played the Crazy Turks and tensions were already intense for weeks. Rumors have been around in terms of the team name and what part of them represents the “crazy” part. Jokes were continuing during the entire week. Just 2 of them, without mentioning other details: 

Joke 1: Warum darf die türkische Fußball-Nationalmannschaft bei der nächsten Weltmeisterschaft nicht mehr antreten? Weil sie bei jeder Ecke einen Dönerstand aufmachen.

Joke 2: Ein Deutscher, ein Amerikaner, ein Italiener und ein Türke fliegen im Flugzeug über dem Meer. Zu wenig Treibstoff, zu viel Ballast. "Wir werfen nun Ballast ab." Da sagt der Amerikaner: "Ich werfe Dollars ab. Davon haben wir viel zu viele." Der Italiener: "Wir haben viel zu viele Pizzen, ich werfe Pizzen ab." Da sieht der Türke den Deutschen an: "Mach jetzt keinen Scheiß, Mann!"

The morning for “Chef persoenlich” began already under immense stress, even it was Saturday and he was expected to have rest from “insurance” and “financial crisis”, but no, as usual “Praesi” directly via sms at 7:55 : “Ich will heute 3 Punkte und einen doener ohne alles, sonst rollen koepfe”, live from Tongren Lu. As it was again communicated and approved during “Dringlichkeitssitzung 18”, it was expected to be in case of a loss the last day for Coach Helmut and Mr. Dirk Richelmann was already appointed to give “Kuendigungsschreiben” to the Coach in person. 

Let’s the game start: In total we had 17 players who showed up, numbers we were dreaming about last year, but it seems since “Visa rules” have been made easier, it is easier to find players in Shanghai. The games started as it should start: Sauerkrauts in the attacking mood and with enormous pressure. The team agreed to fight for the Coach and the fruits were collected already in the 12^th minute: 1:0 by header by Mr. Jan Matzke, after a wonderful “Flanke” from the right side. As it is usual with the team instead concentration Sauerkrauts rather gets demolished. In the 20th min the Turks made the equalizer after a corner, which was kicked the short corner, header out by “Chef persoenlich” to Sauerkrauts player 12 m from our goal, but instead kicking it out, somehow the opponent gets the ball and unluckily catches our goalkeeper on his wrong side, who was very surprised by the opponent’s shot to his left sight. The ball really stupidly rolled in. Hakan agreed to have this mistake counted under his account.

The equalizer came quite surprising as up to that point we were controlling the game. As usual our weakness appeared after the equalizer, which usually results in decreased motivation, as player’s starting to blame each other reflecting in another goal in the 24^th min: Corner by Turkish positioning 7m area in front of our goal, whereby Marco Engelhardt and opponent jumping for header for the ball and unbelievably both not reaching this low ball, which fells surprisingly down on “Chef persoenlich Gegenspieler”, who directly positions the ball into our goalkeepers right corner. I have to admit that this ball was my mistake, I should have got it, but we agreed with Marco Engelhardt on a 50/50 responsibility share. The Turkish were leading now the game by 2:1. Being honest, I was cooking inside and any loss would have made me really angry. After the goal we woke up and in the 40^th min it was time for the equalizer: Pass from the centre received by Alan, dribbling around opponent’s defense and passing the ball from the right sight to Jan Matzke, who somehow was in a good mood scoring well positioned his 2^nd goal placed with a flat shot to the right side. The goal before the end of the first half was more than important but was closed to a offside position. 

The second half was for sure with a lot of motivation and both teams were fighting for each ball. This resulted in 30 min soccer without actually any chance for both teams. But the last 15 min definitively was in our hand. In the 77^th cross by Leo from 35 m to the 16m area of opponent’s goal, but who knows how it happened, the ball was rather flying into the direction of the goalkeeper, without touching the ground and the goalkeeper in a crazy way directly intending to kicking the ball out resulting that he failing to touch the ball in the right way and placing the ball into his own goal. It was really an amazing goal by Leo and somehow a nice birthday present from the goalkeeper (seems goalkeepers like to handle birthday presents). I think we are always quite nice to our goalkeepers, I tell you guys, the Turkish were nearly killing their own goalkeeper. But the last 10 minutes were even better, but Juergen Kurz in the 80 min (cross by Alik from the right sight) alone in front of the goal by header fails to hit, in the 83^rd min Alan (Pass by Chef persoenlich) alone in front of the goal fails too and 3 min before the end Juergen Kurz (solo by Chef persoenlich) managing to fail again alone in front of the goal keeper.  

The “crazy part” of the Turks were realized, when Stefan Enneking was involved in an incident, where their captain scratched his face. To sum it up, we can say, it was a nice game for us and finally the result we have been expecting for a long time. “Praesi” was celebrating this successful 6-points weekend (Krauts won by 2-0) throughout the entire week. It has been a long time ago, that 6 points were collected by both teams. 

Let’s focus on our next victory. Especially the return of Aydin, Stefan Nissl and Eric is really expected. We hope to present next week also a new player “Stefan” as a new striker, which will definitively help us in the offensive part. 

Iyi aksamlar

Chef Persoenlich (appointed for Praesi again 2010)

Hallo “Verlierer”, 

Touching the most emotional part of human by calling them “Verlierer” [losers] might help to increase motivation among our squad. Following another disastrous appearance at the Pudong pitch, we started ask ourselves, if something is wrong with the pitch and if we shall return voluntarily back to Tianma. Feedback among team members were  this time focusing on the grass “to long, to wet, to green”, even we tried hard to use the pitch as reason for our 3^rd straight loss, we might have not achieved to convince “Praesi” with this “Rentner Fussball” with the new “Swabia” System. His disappointment was clearly communicated to Sauerkrauts Management by conference call 4 minutes after the game and in an emergency arrangement “Dr. Richelmann” [Chief Assistant Krauts/Praesi] appeared at the pitch to “ueberreichen” Helmut’s resignation letter. With all my efforts I was able [I paid him] to get out another game for our Coach for this Saturday’s game. Main requirement was to sign a Letter of Guarantee to win against the Turks and this weeks system decided by “Chef persoenlich [Mogul Sauerkrauts]”

Having the last 2 games in mind we were for sure trying to make it against Cosmos easier and intended as usual to win or at least to show some improvement on the pitch. But as I might have communicated wishes or plans are usually often differ in China and might “slightly” J different with the outcome. With a total show up of 14 players, we received in total 0.5 goal per player letting us lose 7:1 against COSMOS ([C]lowns [O]f [S]hanghai - [M]ourons [O]f [S]hanghai), which is really a big shame. 

The worst part was actually the way we lost. It was our worst game out of the 3 matches we had. The defense was quite bad contributing a critical factor to our loss. Even the referee sucked, we still were complaining with them instead focusing on our game. The goals happened in a manner, which was more the unbelievable. Goal 1: For this goal some of us were thinking, if I have managed to convert Thorsten our goalkeeper to the Islam, because he was opening both hands, looking to the sky, waiting for the ball to catch, but failing to catch it, instead being friendly to our opponent and giving him a “birthday present”, even the guy told him later it was not his birthday. After investigating this goal I found out that Mr. Kalus will stay Christian, as it easier to pray and safer for the goal keeper, as he can use both hands to catching the ball and not for praying.  Goal 2: Ball in the 5 m space, Thorsten on the ground, defense was not able to kick out the ball and somehow the ball rolled in. Goal No 3: good combination by Cosmos from the right sight and passing “Mr. Cry” in our defense in a “Kindergarden” way and scoring it nicely [with this performance we will transfer him back to Krauts..zhzzzzz]. Goal number 4: John Zhu, oh man, was the guy you’re your colleague or your friend, this was the 2^nd birthday present after Thorsten’s or it might by also the case that the “Malaysian bet mafia” approach John to let him to such things. For goal number 5-7 I will not specify it, some where really “referee contribution” but still and we were quite done at the end. 

This next paragraph, which follows is specifically dedicated for No.10 [oh, that’s me]. Yes, auch ein blindes Huhn findet den Hahn im Strohhaufen [or whatever you call it in German oder war es die Nadel]. With a 23 m shot the ball was „unhaltbar“ placed im „Winkel“. After years of unsuccessful practice, I collected the fruits of my daily “kick the ball against my neighbor’s car” and scored the goal of the day. Without even paying the opponent I was selected for the man of the match. I was celebrating it throughout Saturday and Sunday and recognized it on my credit card on money, how expensive scoring goals is. 

What made me happier was the 14 goals by Krauts, congratulations. Still, we were expecting 19 goals to let us forget our defeat 2 years ago by 19:2 against the French Team in the Monday Tournament. Seems this shall be followed by the Sauerkrauts this weekend. Sorry guys, will need to go now and hope to see you soon all back. 

Chief Editor B. G [Chef persoenlich, Mogul]