Announcement
So, I Just Got Dumped
I shouldn’t actually say I got dumped, because technically we only went on two dates. So maybe the word “rejected” is a better term to use. But, you know, I am overdue. For the past 6 months I have been on countless dates, unfortunately not being attracted to most of them. (except for Right Now Guy that is) So in all of those cases, I was the Dumper, not the Dumpee. So I guess it was only a matter of time for the rolls to be reversed!
So here’s my story: I went on my first date with him over a week ago. My favorite…met at the beach during sunset. I was instantly attracted to him. We walked and talked and felt like the conversation was really flowing. I was super comfortable around him and could be myself, not really holding back anything I wanted to say or to be goofy if I wanted to. It was refreshing. But as we were parting ways he never mentioned wanting to see me again or asked what my plans were for the week. So my instincts told me, he wasn’t interested. I wrote him off in my mind, not expecting to hear from him.
Surprise. Surprise. The next day I received an email saying he enjoyed our time together and wanted to see me again. So we planned for a lunch date on Sunday. As I was strolling in on my bike to meet him at the restaurant, across the street I could see his handsomeness (I know its not word, but it fits!). Wow, is he rockin’! We had a yummy lunch with good intellectual conversation then strolled to the Venice boardwalk. Then, it was time for me to leave even though I would of liked to hang out a bit longer.
Ok, it being the second date, usually a kiss takes place by now, right?! No kiss. Nothing. But I actually didn’t think to myself, “Why didn’t he kiss me” because really it was a crazy place to have a first kiss. We were standing amongst a crowd of people on the Venice boardwalk. (And if you have ever experienced Venice on a Sunday afternoon, then you know its not the most “romantic” place for a first kiss.) As I biked away, I thought he is really awesome and I am looking forward to learning more about him.
I emailed him the next day, thanking him for a great time. Later that night I received the DREADED email. The kind where you can tell by the first 3 words where its going…you just know. He actually wrote the email in a very classy, polite and clear way that I really appreciated. Still hurtful of course, but I instantly thought “Wow, what a great guy”. Instead of thinking, “He sucks”. Just a few weeks ago, I wrote about how to tell someone you aren’t interested. He approached it exactly the same way. I did email him back a very nice note thanking him for his approach. If anything, I want to encourage him as a male that he did a good thing by telling me in a classy way, instead of doing the immature thing by just dropping off the face-of-the-earth. It still totally bummed me out. I was really interested in this guy. Sucks.
I gave myself a minute to be bummed, than I stepped back to look at the big picture. I decided to pull out my book the Tao of Dating, by Dr. Alex Benzer, because I remembered a great statement he wrote about “rejection” that uses the idea of “re-framing”. He writes: “Since we have considerable latitude in interpreting the meaning of events — free to pick positive, neutral or negative ones – we should pick meanings that are most useful to us. The useful interpretations will tend to make us feel better and be more effective, while the negative ones have the opposite effect.”
When it comes to dealing with men, if you feel you may have been rejected, instead of thinking “That guy must not really like me” or “I must be an awful person,” try thinking this: “I never get rejected — I only find out which men have excellent taste. And if he says no, he has done me a great service by saving me time and effort.” Notice how with this re-frame, you can actually feel good about rejection and use the event as a positive impetus to meet even better men.
The other powerful reframe you can use is to imagine each approach not as an opportunity for success or failure, but as a chance to see what happens. Approach the situation not with a do-or-die mentality, but rather with endless curiosity….that there is no failure – only feedback. And since something is going to happen 100% of the time, you are guaranteed feedback and cannot possibly fail! ….It provides the motivation to open yourself up to wonder and to imagine what the gift-wrapped box of possibility holds as you just wait to see what happens next. Always remember dating is suppose to be fun."
I love his thoughts on this subject and many more, so if you haven’t gotten a copy of his book, you should. Its a great present for any single girlfriend…the best dating book I have ever read…seriously. (and no, I am not getting any commission on his book! : )
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On another note…one lesson I think I learned from this experience, which I never even thought of before, is I do believe there is something to be said for meeting in a romantic environment. Both dates were outside in public, during the day, with a lot of people around. Typically other dates I have gone on, they tend to be in a romantic setting, usually at a lounge for a cocktail. I am not saying you need to get drunk or anything to have a romantic connection, but when meeting someone for a 1st or 2nd date there is a lot of pressure to make a quick decision if you are attracted to that person or not. Yes, I will admit that I did not have the crazy-hot-energy feeling between us like I did when I met Right Now Guy, but I do know I was truly intrigued by him and attracted to him. I just wondered if we met in a different environment would it of made a difference. We literally spent 3 hours total with both dates combined.
Secondly, I know instincts are a very powerful thing… and I remembered after the 1st date that my instincts were telling me he was not interested. I do understand why he didn’t make a quick decision after the 1st date because sometimes you need to give it a 2nd date to really know, “yes, I don’t feel the connection”.
And lastly, I always come back to the concept that each man that comes into my life is an unfolding to getting closer to my ‘divine’ mate. I discovered many qualities in this man that really resonated with me, so I look forward to exciting new opportunities!
